The Six Parts of Love, Part Three: Respect

or, a word that means different things to different people

A long time ago, I read somewhere that folks have one or another definition of respect.

Definition 1: recognize and listen to my authority
Definition 2: recognize and listen to my humanity

I grew up in a household where definition 1 reigned supreme. My dad said on more than one occasion that he didn’t have to respect us, his children, precisely because we were his children and therefore “inferior” or “lacking in authority.” Meanwhile, he expected us to jump when he said jump, and he’d punish us if our jumps weren’t as high as he demanded.

(I could get away with not always listening to his authority, because I was the only girl, the youngest, and his clear favorite. This led to obvious tension between me and my brothers, but it also lent itself to humbling experiences for my dad. For a long time, if we did something he deemed unacceptable, he’d tell us to do 10-20 push-ups for punishment. I hated this. One time, he told me to do 20 push-ups, and instead of listening, thirteen year-old me decided to grab my boobs and lift them up and down—pushing them up. He never told me to do push-ups again.)

Definition 1 is white supremacist imperialist capitalist patriarchy, period. It dehumanizes folks and assumes that authority figures know what’s best (when, let’s be honest, uhhhhh, they often don’t. All it takes to know that’s true is contemplating our government for one second). It’s not respect, it’s blind obedience. It’s a sacrifice of personal agency, which is disrespectful at best and harmful at worst.

Definition 2, however, is about treating everyone with dignity and care. That’s really difficult in a world that teaches us that everyone is competition and differences are threats.

The best example of definition 2 in practice is the quote that bounces around year after year: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. I’d argue here that “battles” are highly contextual and in a white supremacist imperialist capitalist patriarchy, there are people whose battles are trifles compared to other folks. There needs to be a more concerted effort to recognize and listen to the humanity of marginalized and oppressed folks—because for centuries this country has forced definition 1 onto society and dictated that only a select few (property owning straight white men) were worthy of authority.

Often in conflict or during stressful times, definition 2 is the first thing that goes out the window. This is especially true when dealing with white folks who aren’t doing the work of understanding what internalized white supremacy is and developing the self-awareness to notice when they’re recreating oppressive dynamics. In my experience, these white folks will center themselves to the point where they don’t see how any of their behavior impacts other people. It’s a lot of “my pain is the ONLY thing that matters” which is… not how relationships work. It’s not how humanity works. The only thing that does is create disconnection.

And respect, above anything else, is about connecting with other people, even if that connection is just an acknowledgment that they are, also, human beings.